june 2005

june 3, 2005

chatting with a friend about relationships [yes, i'll detail this more later]:

yes and no - i think it is far too easy to say "THIS IS THE HUGEST FREAKING THING IN MY LIFE" vs seeing it for what it actually might be - the point is, am i willing to not be selfish/self centered and willing to love someone else - no matter the results

a romanticized/hollywood/youthful notion vs what it really should be - but letting go of what one thinks marriage should be isn't easy

but letting go with the grip you have now will allow you to grip it much better - you just need to undo the white knuckles

and seriously, there are so many marriages i know right now where both partners are still white knuckling a bad hand hold and cutting into themselves and just can't give up themselves and love the other person/put them first.

it seems like losing yourself, but wow, the relief/freedom/rightness of it all is the difference from drowning and struggling underwater and not allowing yourself to breathe water - it seems so wrong, but you can. and who doesn't want to swim like a dolphin?

heehee - i wrote "dolphin" - that'll be something i'll never explain here

june 7, 2005

what affects me? that is a question i don't think i ask enough, along with what/whom do i affect. [yes, i'll explain it more, but what a long set of questions: do i notice how i'm affected or whom i affect? do i ignore it, say it doesn't really affect me? does it all come down to relationships? do i need to me more intentional, eg i'm not the best at encouraging everyone - um, anyone?]

june 6, 2005

i don't wear watches. i never really have, but there are exceptions. there was a large burgundy analog watch that had the day which was cool until i washed it and then the glass was a miniature greenhouse and i couldn't read it any longer. there was a time in junior high that had one of those big metal watches that dads wore. there were two alarms, pre-midi sounding and the one i remember but didn't like was "hey jude." i got tired of playing it for my friends and made one friend pay me a dime to hear it in 8th grade. i had a swatch that i pulled the band off and made one out of embroidery thread which i put around my ankle, but that didn't last long [that reminds me of an old leather ankle bracelet i wore for years but i doubt would wrap completely around my ankles now]. that was the end of wearing watches, except for a few stints on vacations wearing the large print digital watch from my heart rate monitor. i get to the airport on time, but i'm sure everyone else must think i'm half blind with half-inch tall numbers on the display. i'm usually pretty good at guessing the time, yet i enjoy not worrying about time. i go by my gut, sleeping when i need rest [okay, i know when i want to sleep, but i usually can't do it]. when i am around people that are constantly looking at their watches and checking the time, it seems like everything becomes ruled by the watch and the ability to see/feel what is really going on is lost. things are stopped and started according to times, not by how much time it feels like it should take. i would think having a watch rule those "intimate periods" would kill it [and possibly be embarassing for a lot of people].

june 8, 2005

i am no longer full. i've decided against keeping my gut comfy and eating until my belly button is flush with my belly. i don't ascribe [subscribe] to taco bell's joyous cries of "i'm full!" i just can't. i'm already the largest i've ever been, and though that really isn't all that large [i believe my bmi would come in at 26.2 or so], i would like to drop 20 pounds for bicycle racing. in the first 3 weeks i believe i've dropped 5 pounds, but our scale is finnicky [aka, old and not trustworthy]. it may be partially due to the same reasons that the cabbage diet works - you don't have as much crap in you, literally. if i was crazy, i would drop 30 which is what i raced at in 2003 but i've added a lot of muscle [or so i hope] since then. when they show americans in "the tripletts of belleville" they look like over-inflated balloons. i just thought it was a bit comical until all i paid a bit more attention and yes, there are quite a few americans that are modeled off the same technology that macy's thanksgiving day parade floats are made of. is it dr. phil that has a whole book on checking your weight, summed up with "eat less and exercise more"? how elegantly simple, and for the vast majority, the best way to make an overall change that lasts longer than 30 days. [as a side note, all those funky charicatures i remember from comics and how to draw people are more true than i would have believed - people with their butts half way up their backs, legs that are perfect triangles from outside/foot/inseam - crazy].

i look at athletes wearing normal clothing and they all look thin and at times, almost too thin. i think i've just gotten used to the greater size of people, people that aren't so much corn fed but just large. but before the thin start looking at the heavy and saying to themselves, "man, they just need to eat less and exercise more" consider what it takes to lose weight. go ahead, thinner people, try to drop 20 pounds [most everyone has 20 pounds to drop]. it ain't easy. it is beautiful to hear a perpetually thin person go on meds for a bit that makes them gain 10-20 pounds and then once off the meds, they can't shake it. it is so, so very uncomfortable, and how many people can add long workouts into their days? supposedly once you've been riding a bike for over an hour, THEN you start burning fat. so go ahead, start riding 2 hours a day. that fits everyone's schedules, right?

june 9, 2005

"Forensic accountant John Duross O'Bryan testified Jackson is spending about $20 million to $30 million a year more than he earns"

forensic accountant? forget the part about how mj has no clue how to handle money, just think about how boring that would make the next show "CSI: accountants" digging through faxes and bank accounts and crunching numbers to finger the bad guy. i really don't know what a forensic accountant does, but i'm sure he could easily look at my accounts and declare them doa.

june 9, 2005

trevor has always had a unique way of speaking [starting way back when he would say "look at that with the fancy colors!"]. i'm not sure what part of grammar he doesn't get, but he'll say things like, "the rock what never been seen" which in his serious little boy voice is very endearing. lately he starts many of his sentences with a somewhat drawn out "actually..." - very cute. now if spencer would just talk. he had an ear ache and all he could do was yell, "Go! No! Bye!" which all fit an expression of pain very well.

june 8, 2005

it seems many people have a diversity in the groups they listen to just as mcdonald's has the same amount of diversity in the foods they serve. what one normally hears on the radio is just one hair on the head of what is out there.

june 10, 2005

i was taking a long saturday ride and as i headed up into the foothills i ran into the paving crew that was taking little longer than their 7pm-7am sign warned. for the last mile and a half the lanes were closed and everyone was funneled into the bike line. as us cyclists always do for safety reasons, i whipped over into the newly paved area where i had just seen a construction truck drive up. i swear i had just ridden into soggy pizza dough. i eased my way out of the hot tar and in moments my wheels were no longer slicks but nobbies [or a big churro]. i pulled over and tried to scrape the tar off but it would have none of that - it was happy where it was. 35 miles later, rocks were still being picked up, spun around a few times like a particle accelerator and flung in every direction. fortunately my frame was in the way or i probably had a good chance of chipping a tooth. at least the tires aren't ruined, but now the millions of small flecks of glass all over our roads are sticking to my tires. i sure hope they stay on the outside and don't work their way in - i only carry one spare tube.

june 12, 2005

our oldest 3 kids still ask for drinks and can't make toast, but not our youngest one [who still doesn't talk much]. since his 2s he has gotten the milk and chocolate syrup out of the fridge and brought it and his cup to us in the middle of the night. his new menu of choice is getting out a knife, mayo, cheese and bread and making himself a sandwich. my wife just informed me he got out the hot dogs, buns and ketchup this morning. maybe he'll start making us dinner by the time he is four.

june 13, 2005

from an im with someone at a church, the context was a talk to the whole crowd about worship and most likely stemming from complaints that there are guitars and drums up on the stage [usually the older crowd - the younger crowd can't think of another instrument to play up there - spoons? harmonica?]:

ah, no, that we only think of worship as music/singing - it is one slice that has taken over the whole definition

but that should be further down the road. right now i'm sure they are combatting the "you guys had a guitar up there, and jesus didn't have a guitar"

the proper response is "and jesus didn't have a car or viagra, so shut it old man. you get rid of the guitars, you gotta get off the little blue pill. yeah, that is what i thought"

you can quote me on that

june 13, 2005

i was flipping through a book from the saddleback guys and there was a line in the forward about "what does God want me to do? i looked and looked through the bible for what he wanted". sometimes i just wish they would just ASK GOD already, not look in his notes. where is that verse about the holy spirit being the most intimate of friends? what, if you don't read it, it doesn't mean anything? hopefully that is not what they meant.

june 19, 2005

DAD [father's day]

My father is special because he gets me and Courtney gifts. He likes to work and fix the drain. He doesn't like to be disturbed a lot. He likes to eat oranges and grapefruit. His best friend is Mark. He is happy when he gets to do stuff alone. What I like most about my dad is that he gets me stuff. I like when we ride two-wheelers together. He has taught me to do a somersault. I would like to give my dad a pack of tools for Father's Day 2005! I LOVE YOU, DAD!

Trevor

very very nice, though my introvert side shows up as well as all the extra work i've been doing at home that wiped me out. i need to work on allowing myself to be disturbed more, as well as letting them help me on projects. funny how i like to fix the drain [ugh] and mark is my best friend [yeah, if you want to be my friend, you need to come over and be seen by my kids a lot]. ver' cute.

i do wonder what a «pack of tools» looks like...

june 25, 2005

crap - when in san diego we saw the huge RAAM start [race across america] and i had just printed out some large canvas posters of the race poster for auction. i thought «oh, it must have started already» but i just discovered it started 4 days later. i could have seen the start, which would have been cool.

june 23, 2005

i just wandered in from a 6 day vacation staying at my brother's place in la jolla [san diego]. it was rough, going to sea world two days and looking over at them sitting during a show and them leaning forward with excitement, big smiles on their faces. i got some okay body surfing time in, too, and i think my extra padding helped keep me warm this time around. we also had a friend join us out there and she fit in like family. more on all that later, but two things:

[1] turning off the a/c in our house so that we don't waste a gob of go-juice seemed smart, but not that smart if you don't program it to kick on and cool the house down before you arrive. a friend in sweden told me they do the opposite in cabins out there - someone is hired to go out there 2 days in advance to turn on the heat and warm the place up. after driving 7 hours and having the youngest yelling "off! off! no!" the last hour, entering a house at 99F is pretty crappy. yes, 99F. the kids were miserable [except for the littlest - he stayed up an hour and a half playing legos and k'nex in the dim glow of the nite-lite - he was very glad to be home]. after two hours it was down to 91F. we had left the pool cover on and the high/lows went up so it was warm bathwater. even swimming down to the deep end of the diving pool didn't do much for cooling me down. hot is hot.

[2] we rented a 12 passenger van for all of us [my parents came too and paid for it]. it was so squirrely, especially at it was a massive headwind the whole way out. 40 miles from home on the return trip, during a gusty summer sand storm [very little rain so far], a huge gust hit us from the side and we were knocked onto the shoulder. once again, playing video games saved our lives [the other was on ice] and i didn't over correct and tumble us but just got us back on the road. i'm sure we freaked out the cars behind us as we all took our speed down 25mph or so.

june 25, 2005

a friend returned from china and surprised me with two dvds [TOTALLY LEGAL, btw] - hah. one is miyazaki's «howl's moving castle» and i was fully expecting it to be a hand cammed. it seemed a little jumpy, as if frames were missing, and it wasn't until and hour 40 in or so that a lady got up and went to the right aisle. i was surprised - i thought it was just a bad copy. the best part [okay, not really the best part] was the subtitles. in an early scene with a room full of well-dressed women talking, the text went something like this:

like, i'm not gonna put up with this s***
oh, watch out
watch where you are going, a**hole
hey, hey, hey. willy, willy, willy, willy, willy

yes, everyone needs to talk about willy, but they really need to clean up their language. a moment later as the women run around:

bravo leader to strike command
target acquistion is confirmed
strike is a go, repeat, strike is a go
[child crying]
[speaks serbo-croation]

so by now i've figured that the text doesn't match the movie, but i have no idea what movie it was pulled from. pretty funny, but very confusing seeing as often read more than i watch. but then this music came on, and these were the lyrics [plus one phrase spoken]:

hello, good evening, i'm the revolution,
won't you sit down and let me tell you about a person,
that lives inside me like an alter e-g-o,
straight from the bowels with a towel, without ecstasy don't sit next to me,
mad-isms i don't use no skizz'inz,
so i kick the spider licks she flirts with mister chick licks
[spoken] hey guys! guys, this is a wheelchair ramp!

after reading those lyrics, i don't believe i want to know what movie it was from. overall, the movie seemed to lack the attention to detail that spirited away had, and as for the story, i'm sure it was more complex than what i watched. señor flame was great - they'll never make him into a happy meal toy.

june 28, 2005

guns in san diego - spencer has this thing about going around and shooting everyone with his fingers. my wife says it is from video games, but none of them show a gun. i'll pin it on his siblings and water guns. while playing on a choice «grassy knoll» near sea port village in san diego, spencer found a little girl friend, maybe 2+ and after a few moments of nice play, pulled out his fingers and shot her. in the cutest fashion, she put her fists to her sides with a «humph, how dare you do that» look. i pulled spencer over to the bushes near the water, grabbed his fingers as if i was taking away his gun and «threw» them over into the harbor. spencer looked up at me with a very concerned look, his short little fingers spread wide, wondering why i had taken his gun away. it was a week before he found his gun again. if only gun control could be so easy.

and not related to guns, the same friend we hung out with in san diego lives across the street from iomega [most famous for making the zip disks]. i was surprised they were still around. here in tucson we don't have much manufacturing, so there aren't any big names to drive past. i don't know - maybe i'm a brand groupie. i wouldn't mind swinging by apple's hq in cuppertino or adobe's hq, too.

june 27

spencer turned to me in the pool and he had a huge bee on the bridge of his nose, right in the corner of his eye. he was just mumbling to me, and i'm not even sure if he knew it was there. i patiently waited and flicked it off. i'm so afraid that one day he'll pick up a scorpion or a black widow. i really think he would - he has no fear [unlike the rest of the kids]. he is the most enjoyable swim buddy - we swim together whenever we can, he in his little green ring and jabbering the whole time in silly spencer-talk.

june 27

on my morning ride i drafted behind a backhoe for several miles, all uphill. it was kind of nice - reminded me of the time papa john drafted off me and got enough speed going to jump behind a flatbed carrying this monster front loader. if i remember right, he stayed behind it at 45mph for two miles. the heat makes riding a pain now, with the lows around 80F. my jersey can stand up on its own when i get home, encrusted in a thick layer of salt.

june 30, 2005

towards shattered branches

i've come to see how different my wife and think lately, which is really quite good [and this strikes similar to the whole farmer and the seed - and the dirt - we are the dirt, we are the children...]. while chatting with other people, i believe i can move a lot of dirt, unearthing boulders and discovering toxic soil. i can do it quickly, but the rocks and soil just sit there, moved and removed, but it doesn't live well where it is now. piles of boulders strewn amongst piles of simmering dirt - not that attractive nor natural.

my wife, on the other hand, moves slowly, more like a tree. over time roots wrap around boulders and stones, holding them in place and creating a buffer with the other soil. little tendrils slowly dig into the stone, finding the natural cracks and fissures and breaking it down into smaller stones. her roots slowly pull out the toxins in the soil and make the soil healthy again. she becomes intertwined with other people's lives, sometimes with speed like jack's beanstalk and others over a very long time. she also keeps the good soil from eroding, keeping it where it needs to be. she anchors those around her, nurturing and helping heal everyone.

since being married to her, i think i've become less of a big mechanical backhoe and more of an organic backhoe, whatever that looks like. maybe i've become rooted like mike mulligan and the steam shovel, taking up residence in the basement of city hall, no longer an individual tree but part of a group, a forest. the roots of those around me are churning through my soil too, breaking things down, supporting me. i'm quite pleased with where i know am, knowing that it will continue to get better. God's kingdom as a forrest, so much going on beneath the surface.

june 29, 2005

IM of the day:

water just came out my nose.
I was working, head down. I had a small burp and water came out my nose.

june 29, 2005

i swear i will write less, really. less words, better quality. i'll also learn css - my little lines in these boxes aren't showing up. that is what i get for taking 5 years off from web edumacashon.