my ordinary life

i once heard the phrase «live the ordinary life extraordinarily well» and it rings true more every year [i believe it is a benedictine phrase]. i'm not sure if i wanted it to be different, that i was going to live an extra-ordinary life or that what i thought the base line of life was something entirely different. did i buy into the movies and images of what a life and career would look like, that somehow being really smart in school would translate into those big jobs of a doctor or an engineer at nasa or something really important, whatever that looks like. maybe i wanted to live the extra-ordinary really well without being able to live the ordinary very well. there sure is a whole lot to the ordinary, the tying of kids shoes and getting the to make their medicinge, their waiting at the bus stop and putting clothes away. there is plenty to be learned there, plenty to live.

i'm not sure how close «ordinary» and «common» is, but my thought is that though my little family may seem more like the «common people», we do it really really well. i also don't know what «common people» really means, but i think we are spoiling the bell curve on what it means. i once thought houses and cars were something really important, but in the end, they are just 4 walls to keep the hot or cold out and the rain off your head, a place to sleep. i know it could probably be taken as a bit of a stretch, but i'm not feeling so incredibly distant from a rock house in nepal. yes, my life has plenty more luxury and conveniences [and things afforded to me by just living in the states] but i still scratch my life out in the dirt. i'm sure this can go from mostly everyone, no matter how much they make. we don’t make much which always seems to keep us struggling, and we want the best for our kids, but we also don't seem to be in the same spot as our friends. i think «common people» can mean a wide variety of things, and i am thinking a lof of it depends on how well you live life — instead of life living you.

don't get me wrong — though ordinary and common life seems hard, i enjoy it greatly. i may be living a different kind of american dream. i'm not sure. it isn’t easy, but was it just my misconception that it was supposed to be? i'll get a nice job, never really want for anything and spend christmas in fiji and summers in france. it could happen, but that is something beyond living life extraordinarily well. i'll be summing up my year in this month’s blog, though summing it up doesn’t work. i can’t add it up as i’m still in the middle of it, and i also don’t think i can quantify it.

yes, those are old videos, and sure, i know of those that won't watch them, yet they have some odd nostalgic pull on me [as does this old song]. add nightswimming to this short list. okay, nick drake too, with some a nice interview blurb in the minute. [moving on!] maybe in all this is the idea that i can’t pretend my life is something else, that i am living in a reality that is not my own. i need to live here as best as i can. i think i am getting better at it. am i destined for greatness? i’m not sure that is even appropriate to ask. i’m headed elsewhere. [i also don't want to «succeed» via the crazy and troubled creatives from centuries past.]

i'm putting a lot of «i think» disclaimers as i really don't know. i sense it, but i can’t be the one to say outright «yes, you are correct». i write...

[if you want to see a huge show of pulp where everyone starts jumping up and down when they start playing the violin, try this]

ornaments

for the last 6 years or more sarah has had myself and the tuesday crowd make ornaments for hanging on xmas trees. they are to be a small capture of the past year in images — no words. everyone is to share them once they are done, and some people are very successful in describing their past year. it is good to look back over the year [even better to do it while the year is in process] and the things that make it onto the ornaments are often surprising, such as «i didn’t know that was important to you» or «you never told us that was happening». i enjoy my close friends around me where that is a constant expectation. we are supposed to share what is going on — how else would we know what each other is feeling and thinking?

people/relationships

people matter far more to me this year compared to last, and i am not sure why. it has made for a great year as well as a very hard year. i've become enlightened to far more than i would have liked in just a dozen months [probably not even that — maybe 5]. be prepared, this will be jumbled and looped around a bit. i’ll not be called linear. ever.

i've been in a long process with tuesday, which in a round about way has covered quite a bit. be introvert/extrovert, you still must talk — you can’t play the introvert card in this reality. we need to encourage more, to let others in and swap notes and feelings. beyond that, we tend to be more talk than production, so we started spotting each other on what we are trying [nobody should try something on their own as both the attempt and revisiting the results could be viewed poorly]. i have a greater responsibility to do more than just «bring up good ideas» but to push and shove those who will allow more than just information, to offer whatever advice and guidance i can. it is like another level of parenting, at the very least practice for the kids as they grow. it isn’t easy to constantly be trying discover where someone is and where they are headed as well as to be helpful. i let more slide as a result, but i also put up with less. there has been great stuff like marriages and engagments and talking through what it means to care for someone else other than yourself, coupled with poor decisions and relationships ending — then not — like a fire that was once thought to have been put out but flared up and burned up a few more homes while you were elsewhere. it really isn’t fixing or solving but more of helping, frequently being the one to help pry a hand off something burning them, opening eyes, asking the right questions and sometimes pulling the one item out of the bag that makes a world of difference. ups and downs, both sides of the coin. i've spent much more time being sad and feeling helpless, not to mention getting punched in the heart a few times. i can't make anyone do anything, though i wish i could. i've learned plenty about being there for someone else in all kinds of things. dariny-tin-tin once said that he had no idea how selfish he was until he got married. he changed that when he had kids — he still didn’t know how much he was still about himself and having kids pointed that out. i keep learning the same thing, though i wonder what more there is [i don't really watch tv anymore]

[momentary interruption: big pig and go! team — similar or no, including the difference in years? big pig, 6+ people playing drums?]

last year i had drawn a flower with smaller flowers around, the old flower tracer thing, but this year i think it is different. i'm not the same flower, and i've got more than leaves and petals, but the flowers around are more capable, probably getting some flower tracers of their own. i even may need to coerce some flowers into doing that. after 8+ years of tuesday, i think sarah and i may be getting better at coming alongside people and comfortable enough with who we are to share pretty much everything that is going on between the two of us. we have nothing to hide and the embarassing things are just that: embarassing. we can talk about those, too.

in all of this mess i’ve come to see how much someone can hurt from the outside, and now i have a better idea how i wasn’t a great husband for sarah. i've become much, but i didn’t start out that way — but i also wouldn’t [and didn’t] understand when i was told as much. i believe i’ve also become a better friend [one of the things that sarah and i are hoping for our kids — that people want them as friends]. i know this for a fact with sarah, as we are closer than we ever have. maybe it is better said that we have the greatest ability [so far] to be close, and we work on staying that close. we are a «we», not a «you» or «i». we function together and that is so much better.

i dropped the thursday group of guys i’ve been hanging out with for 10 or so years to pursue some close friends i don’t often get to see. the 5 of us attempt to get together every other week and it is wonderfully refreshing. we are good at talking and bringing things up. we don’t need to ask questions, we reveal what is going on with us by default. we listen when that is all that is needed. señor lewis says friendship is the most unnatural of loves as we have to choose to love. the other loves come from affection and romantic love — frienship is much harder. as we all have busy lives and families, we need to pursue our friendships. i believe we do so rather well.

i’ve also gotten some more estrogen in my veins, which is a defensively funny way of saying i care more, that i can see more of what the other side is feeling and how it works. emotional reasoning has very little to do with rational logic. they both work just fine, just don’t combine the rules. i suppose i should say more but i can’t think of any more words. my family never touched, encouraged much or showed emotions. all of that is being undone. to work my way into being comfortable with touching and being touched i started popping peoples backs and then have moved into massages. i need touch and affirmation, things which i believe everyone thinks i am okay without. i’m getting all growed up. i've got plenty more to work on, such as defeating this invisible wall i've erected that blares «i'm fine as i am!» 24/7, which i am not.

[i'll fill out the sections below in the coming weeks]

dec 17

i’ve deleted all the mailing lists i once had - small.txt, gathering, etc - all gone. what once seemed so important, now not needed. they passed on without a struggle. some day the websites will dissappear, too.

letting everyone down/jumping ship [jan 21]

yes, i feel like i'm letting everyone down. not just a select few, but mostly everyone. i'll preface all this with maybe i am seeing more and more what the [my] potential could be, and that by noticing it the gap seems far larger than when i was clueless. now i can see too much. let's hit some bits one by one, shall we? yes [barely]

this travels back to early last year when all kinds of things started hitting us, often financial. it comes down to me not making enough to provide for all 6 of us [if you are female, you may be thinking «so?» but for guys, it is a hit in the jimmy]. i don't. i got this job while in college for design. the schooling was sort of confusing — how does this maker rendering with cut paper turn into something that can be printed? i took a job with a small printshop, back when drawing ovals with a patterened fill was cool. i read a lot. i experimented a lot. i learned a ton. 17 years should do that to you. i outgrew this place years ago but it was comfortable — it was providing for my family and i helped grow the company. if you've read anything prior, you'll remember that i do far more production work than creative work, and i question my pure design skills. so i try to jump ship and local ad agencys pay about 3/5ths of what i am getting. one art director applies to be my assistant. the world is screwed up. one of my assitants gets a job at a gov't contractor, gets paid more than me with plenty of benefits and does one-fifteenth of the work [he did have to live on a lot less money until they hired him for that spot]. i look at my portfolio and i spend more time shuffling and fixing everyone elses work than creating good stuff. i work on fixing that with freelance, but i don't have all that much time. i'm limited, and i chose those limitations. i wouldn't give up those limitations. i get the idea of selflessness rather well — i think i am doing better at heading that route. i'm squeezing in time to ride my bike here and there, but long stretches of good design at home? i'm far too burned out from doing the same thing all day as well as having a family that i need to be wth. the last time i've drawn? a loooong time ago, but i'm working on that, trying to doodle at least 3 times a week. my art is more collage than original creation. i've got plenty of creative ideas, just no place to rest their little heads.

i'm trying to jump ship, but all the other ships are too small. they might hold me, but not 6 of us.

so here i am, applying for a university position that requres an MFA. i don't even have an A. usually not something i am worried about, but will i get overlooked? it'll be the same pay but i'll have a retirement plan [other than dying at my desk]. it would be great for sarah's schooling, as well as for the kids when they go. overall, a good place. can i do the job? sure, but it is the unknown i worry about. whatever happens, i still need to provide for 6 bellies. no pressure there.

what else? i won't even go into it, but when you are driving the family somewhere and one kid laughs and says «hey mom, dad is shrek! big, loud and cranky/irritated» — norman rockwell paints pleasant paintings of quaint americana such as that. hooray for me, i am viewed as an ogre. just shoot me already.

have i been a good friend to all of my friends? hardly. i keep finding out how i have hurt my close friends. who does that? looks like i've been doing it pretty consistently, too. looks like i'm still about me, not about my friends. someone needs a hand and i give them a burning stick to grab onto. hitler did that to his people.

well, sarah too. i don't have time to keep the familial boat afloat and give sarah the attention she deserves as well as what she needs. the «remember when you used to....? what happened to you?» are popping up more frequently, coupled with my memory of how i totally sucked ass when we first got married [«first got married» meaning the first 10+ years] and i'm a chump. i can't even care for sarah. i won't even go any deeper — my inability just gets worse.

as i am writing this, i've got a great case in point with scrabble. i have A I I O O Q X and no real place to put anything. i can get 9 points at best, other than spending a lot of time looking up words [which don't have time to do]. i'm only down 389 to 122 as i am -3 on bingos this game. i lose. all the time. i lose playing video games with my kids, i can't do flips on the trampoline, i can't treat my kids properly. i don't know what it is but i fail to do much good. i've always said people are like porcupines, having no clue when you are poking the crap out of someone else. i think i'm an inflatable porcupine, poking the bejeebers out of people that i have no clue i am coming in contact with. i'm in the dollar store with 75 cents.

sarah has always wanted me to dance and i never do — maybe it is similar to how i don't hear lyrics as words, but music doesn't translate into somethin i can move my body with. i tried last weekend and i sucked ass. i only could have done worse if i danced like elaine or way overdid it. i ruined my own night, and then sarah‘s, all because i tried andi couldn't. miserable.

then there is tuesday, which at times i think is good and then other times i am riding sarah's hospitality and just moving my jaw. i can't make anyone do anything. i'm not sure if there is anything more for me to do. maybe i should let sarah do all the talking for a whie as i am feeling incompetent to affect/instigate change. i think my talking is just keeping myself warm. i'll have to go back and look at all the cons for helping people — i must be doing the majority of them. guilt, regret, inadequacy — i'm not sure how much of this is self condemnation or just getting a good grasp on who i really am. i knew i was retarded, i'm just not sure how retarded i really am.

i could put down an even longer list of what is in my head, but i won't. it isn't worth the time spent writing or reading.

fortunately, i am rather self corrcting, with myself/sarah/friends, so i won't stay here long [i don't think]. goods things will happen again, i won't screw up as much, etc – i'm unsure of how much of my self worth i place on my actual self worth.

living like a whale

traveling

spenglar

the three big ’uns